What Is Effective Listening?
For
people who have not done public speaking, it may seem like speaking
before a crowd is different than speaking, say, to a friend over a mocha
latte. But really, it is quite the same. If you think of an audience as
a group of individuals gathered in one place, then you will understand
why it is so important to listen to each member as an individual.
Let's
break this down. When you are chatting with a friend, your focus is on
the conversation. You nod at the right times and respond with feedback
in appropriate measure.
All of these behaviors tell your friend that you are interested in what she has to say. That is
effective listening,
and it really means hearing the message being sent, making meaning of
it and responding in a way that lets the sender know you truly
understand.
When you are speaking before a crowd, it is pretty
much the same way. Things like eye contact with the individual members
and non-verbal communication techniques tell the audience that you are
engaged.
So now, let's reverse this. Since you are the public
speaker, you are not really conversing as much as you are talking. But
you still must listen in the same way and for the same things. So, what
exactly are you listening for?
Effective Listening When Public Speaking
For
one thing, the speaker should understand the audience's mood. Just like
individuals, groups of people gathered together have a mood. If the
audience roars with excitement as the speaker approaches the podium, it
is obvious they are excited about the event. If there is silence, well,
not so much!
And this mood can change as the speech evolves. The
vivacious enthusiasm demonstrated by the audience at the beginning of
the speech can change drastically if the speaker says something out of
line. Don't worry, here are a few things you can do to be sure you not
only reach your audience but also keep them interested.
First,
observe
them. You can do this by watching their body language. Things like
making eye contact, nodding in agreement and even clapping are clues
that the group is into what you are saying.
You can also
pause
between points. If you take a few moments to assess their interest
level between thoughts, you will know whether they are still roped in. A
muddled audience may look around at each other or just stare into
space. You can quickly change tunes and clarify the confusion.
Another way to effectively listen is to
actively involve the audience in your speech. You can do this by asking questions and exchanging thoughts and ideas.
Sometimes,
there is just no getting through to an audience because there are
barriers to the communication process. A public speaker does not have to
needlessly fret over this. There are ways to overcome them.
Eight barriers to effective listening
More attention is usually paid to making people better speakers or
writers (the "supply side" of the communication chain) rather than on
making them better listeners or readers (the "demand side"). The most
direct way to improve communication is by learning to listen more
effectively.
Nearly every aspect of human life could be improved by better
listening -- from family matters to corporate business affairs to
international relations.
Most of us are terrible listeners. We're such poor listeners, in fact, that we don't know how much we're missing.
The following are eight common barriers to good listening, with suggestions for overcoming each.
#1 - Knowing the answer
"Knowing the answer" means that you think you already know what the
speaker wants to say, before she actually finishes saying it. You might
then impatiently cut her off or try to complete the sentence for her.
Even more disruptive is interrupting her by saying that you disagree
with her, but without letting her finish saying what it is that you
think you disagree with. That's a common problem when a discussion gets
heated, and which causes the discussion to degrade quickly.
By interrupting the speaker before letting her finish, you're
essentially saying that you don't value what she's saying. Showing
respect to the speaker is a crucial element of good listening.
The "knowing the answer" barrier also causes the listener to
pre-judge what the speaker is saying -- a kind of closed-mindedness.
A good listener tries to keep an open, receptive mind. He looks for
opportunities to stretch his mind when listening, and to acquire new
ideas or insights, rather than reinforcing existing points of view.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
A simple strategy for overcoming the "knowing the answer" barrier is
to wait for three seconds after the speaker finishes before beginning
your reply.
Three seconds can seem like a very long time during a heated
discussion, and following this rule also means that you might have to
listen for a long time before the other person finally stops speaking.
That's usually a good thing, because it gives the speaker a chance to
fully vent his or her feelings.
Another strategy is to schedule a structured session during which
only one person speaks while the other listens. You then switch roles in
the next session.
It's worth emphasizing that the goal of good listening is simply to listen -- nothing more and nothing less.
During the session when you play the role of listener, you are only
allowed to ask supportive questions or seek clarification of the
speaker's points. You may not make any points of your own during this
session. That can be tricky, because some people's "questions" tend to
be more like statements.
Keeping the mind open during conversation requires discipline and
practice. One strategy is to make a commitment to learn at least one
unexpected, worthwhile thing during every conversation. The decision to
look for something new and interesting helps make your mind more open
and receptive while listening.
Using this strategy, most people will probably discover at least one
gem -- and often more than one -- no matter whom the conversation is
with.
#2 - Trying to be helpful
Another significant barrier to good listening is "trying to be
helpful". Although trying to be helpful may seem beneficial, it
interferes with listening because the listener is thinking about how to
solve what he perceives to be the speaker's problem. Consequently, he
misses what the speaker is actually saying.
An old Zen proverb says, "When walking, walk. When eating, eat." In
other words, give your whole attention to whatever you're doing. It's
worth emphasizing that the goal of good listening is simply to listen --
nothing more and nothing less. Interrupting the speaker in order to
offer advice disrupts the flow of conversation, and impairs the
listener's ability to understand the speaker's experience.
Many people have a "messiah complex" and try to fix or rescue other
people as a way of feeling fulfilled. Such people usually get a kick out
of being problem-solvers, perhaps because it gives them a sense of
importance. However, that behavior can be a huge hurdle to good
listening.
Trying to be helpful while listening also implies that you've made
certain judgments about the speaker. That can raise emotional barriers
to communication, as judgments can mean that the listener doesn't have
complete understanding or respect for the speaker.
In a sense, giving a person your undivided attention while listening
is the purest act of love you can offer. Because human beings are such
social animals, simply knowing that another person has listened and
understood is empowering. Often that's all a person needs in order to
solve the problems on his or her own.
If you as a listener step in and heroically offer your solution,
you're implying that you're more capable of seeing the solution than the
speaker is.
If the speaker is describing a difficult or long-term problem, and
you offer a facile, off-the-cuff solution, you're probably forgetting
that he or she may have already considered your instant solution long
before.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
Schedule a separate session for giving advice. Many people forget
that it's rude to offer advice when the speaker isn't asking for it.
Even if the advice is good.
In any case, a person can give better advice if he first listens
carefully and understands the speaker's complete situation before trying
to offer advice.
If you believe you have valuable advice that the speaker isn't likely
to know, then first politely ask if you may offer what you see as a
possible solution. Wait for the speaker to clearly invite you to go
ahead before you offer your advice.
#3 - Treating discussion as competition
Some people feel that agreeing with the speaker during a heated
discussion is a sign of weakness. They feel compelled to challenge every
point the speaker makes, even if they inwardly agree. Discussion then
becomes a contest, with a score being kept for who wins the most points
by arguing.
Treating discussion as competition is one of the most serious
barriers to good listening. It greatly inhibits the listener from
stretching and seeing a different point of view. It can also be
frustrating for the speaker.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
Although competitive debate serves many useful purposes, and can be
great fun, debating should be scheduled for a separate session of its
own, where it won't interfere with good listening.
Except in a very rare case where you truly disagree with absolutely
everything the speaker is saying, you should avoid dismissing her
statements completely. Instead, affirm the points of agreement.
Try to voice active agreement whenever you do agree, and be very specific about what you disagree with.
A good overall listening principle is to be generous with the
speaker. Offer affirmative feedback as often as you feel comfortable
doing so. Generosity also entails clearly voicing exactly where you
disagree, as well as where you agree.
#4 - Trying to influence or impress
Because good listening depends on listening just for the sake of
listening, any ulterior motive will diminish the effectiveness of the
listener. Examples of ulterior motives are trying to impress or to
influence the speaker.
A person who has an agenda other than simply to understand what the
speaker is thinking and feeling will not be able to pay complete
attention while listening.
Psychologists have pointed out that people can understand language
about two or three times faster than they can speak. That implies that a
listener has a lot of extra mental "bandwidth" for thinking about other
things while listening. A good listener knows how to use that spare
capacity to think about what the speaker is talking about.
A listener with an ulterior motive, such as to influence or impress
the speaker, will probably use the spare capacity to think about his
"next move" in the conversation -- his rebuttal or what he will say next
when the speaker is finished -- instead of focusing on understanding
the speaker.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
"Trying to influence or impress" is a difficult barrier to overcome,
because motives usually can't just be willed away. Deciding not to have a
motive usually only drives it beneath your awareness so that it becomes
a hidden motive.
One strategy is to
make note of your internal motives
while you're listening. As you notice your motives in progressively
closer and finer detail, you'll eventually become more fully conscious
of ulterior motives, and they may even unravel, allowing you to let go
and listen just for the sake of listening.
#5 - Reacting to red flag words
Words can provoke a reaction in the listener that wasn't necessarily
what the speaker intended. When that happens the listener won't be able
to hear or pay full attention to what the speaker is saying.
Red flag words or expressions trigger an unexpectedly strong
association in the listener's mind, often because of the listener's
private beliefs or experiences.
Technology is often seen as the driver of improved communications, but
technology, in itself, creates noise and discord as much as it melds
minds.
Good listeners have learned how to minimize the distraction caused by
red flag words, but a red flag word will make almost any listener
momentarily unable to hear with full attention.
An important point is that the speaker may not have actually meant
the word in the way that the listener understood. However, the listener
will be so distracted by the red flag that she will not notice what the
speaker actually did mean to say.
Red flag words don't always provoke emotional reactions. Sometimes
they just cause slight disagreements or misunderstandings. Whenever a
listener finds himself disagreeing or reacting, he should be on the
lookout for red flag words or expressions.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
When a speaker uses a word or expression that triggers a reflexive
association, you as a good listener can ask the speaker to confirm
whether she meant to say what you think she said.
When you hear a word or expression that raises a red flag, try to
stop the conversation, if possible, so that you don't miss anything that
the speaker says. Then ask the speaker to clarify and explain the point
in a different way.
#6 - Believing in language
One of the trickiest barriers is "believing in language" -- a misplaced trust in the precision of words.
Language is a guessing game. Speaker and listener use language to
predict what each other is thinking. Meaning must always be actively
negotiated.
It's a fallacy to think that a word's dictionary definition can be
transmitted directly through using the word. An example of that fallacy
is revealed in the statement, "I said it perfectly clearly, so why
didn't you understand?". Of course, the naive assumption here is that
words that are clear to one person are clear to another, as if the words
themselves contained absolute meaning.
Words have a unique effect in the mind of each person, because each
person's experience is unique. Those differences can be small, but the
overall effect of the differences can become large enough to cause
misunderstanding.
A worse problem is that words work by pointing at experiences shared by speaker and listener.
If the listener hasn't had the experience that the speaker is using
the word to point at, then the word points at nothing. Worse still, the
listener may quietly substitute a different experience to match the
word.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
You as a good listener ought to practice mistrusting the meaning of
words. Ask the speaker supporting questions to cross-verify what the
words mean to him.
Don't assume that words or expressions mean exactly the same to you
as they do to the speaker. You can stop the speaker and question the
meaning of a word. Doing that too often also becomes an impediment, of
course, but if you suspect that the speaker's usage of the word might be
slightly different, you ought to take time to explore that, before the
difference leads to misunderstanding.
#7 - Mixing up the forest and the trees
A common saying refers to an inability "to see the forest for the
trees". Sometimes people pay such close attention to detail, that they
miss the overall meaning or context of a situation.
Some speakers are what we will call "trees" people. They prefer
concrete, detailed explanations. They might explain a complex situation
just by naming or describing its characteristics in no particular order.
Other speakers are "forest" people. When they have to explain complex
situations, they prefer to begin by giving a sweeping, abstract,
bird's-eye view.
Good explanations usually involve both types, with the big-picture
"forest" view providing context and overall meaning, and the specific
"trees" view providing illuminating examples.
When trying to communicate complex information, the speaker needs to
accurately shift between forest and trees in order to show how the
details fit into the big picture. However, speakers often forget to use
"turn indicators" to signal that they are shifting from one to another,
which can cause confusion or misunderstanding for the listener.
Each style is prone to weaknesses in communication. For example,
"trees" people often have trouble telling their listener which of the
details are more important and how those details fit into the overall
context. They can also fail to tell their listener that they are making a
transition from one thought to another -- a problem that quickly shows
up in their writing, as well.
"Forest" people, on the other hand, often baffle their listeners with
obscure abstractions. They tend to prefer using concepts, but sometimes
those concepts are so removed from the world of the senses that their
listeners get lost.
"Trees" people commonly accuse "forest" people of going off on
tangents or speaking in unwarranted generalities. "Forest" people
commonly feel that "trees" people are too narrow and literal.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
You as a good listener can explicitly ask the speaker for overall
context or for specific exemplary details, as needed. You should
cross-verify by asking the speaker how the trees fit together to form
the forest. Having an accurate picture of how the details fit together
is crucial to understanding the speaker's thoughts.
An important point to remember is that a "trees" speaker may become
confused or irritated if you as the listener try to supply missing
context, and a "forest" speaker may become impatient or annoyed if you
try to supply missing examples.
A more effective approach is to encourage the speaker to supply missing context or examples by asking him open-ended questions.
Asking open-ended questions when listening is generally more effective than asking closed-ended ones.
For example, an open-ended question such as "Can you give me a
concrete example of that?" is less likely to cause confusion or
disagreement than a more closed-ended one such as "Would such-and-such
be an example of what you're talking about?"
Some speakers may even fail to notice that a closed-ended question is
actually a question. They may then disagree with what they thought was a
statement of opinion, and that will cause distracting friction or
confusion.
The strategy of asking open-ended questions, instead of closed-ended
or leading questions, is an important overall component of good
listening.
#8 - Over-splitting or over-lumping
Speakers have different styles of organizing thoughts when explaining
complex situations. Some speakers, "splitters", tend to pay more
attention to how things are different. Other speakers, "lumpers", tend
to look for how things are alike. Perhaps this is a matter of
temperament.
If the speaker and listener are on opposite sides of the
splitter-lumper spectrum, the different mental styles can cause
confusion or lack of understanding.
A listener who is an over-splitter can inadvertently signal that he
disagrees with the speaker over everything, even if he actually agrees
with most of what the speaker says and only disagrees with a nuance or
point of emphasis.
That can cause "noise" and interfere with the flow of conversation.
Likewise, a listener who is an over-lumper can let crucial differences
of opinion go unchallenged, which can lead to a serious misunderstanding
later. The speaker will mistakenly assume that the listener has
understood and agreed.
It's important to achieve a good balance between splitting (critical
thinking) and lumping (metaphorical thinking). Even more important is
for the listener to recognize when the speaker is splitting and when she
is lumping.
Strategy for overcoming this barrier
An approach to overcoming this barrier when listening is to ask
questions to determine more precisely where you agree or disagree with
what the speaker is saying, and then to explicitly point that out, when
appropriate.
For example, you might say, "I think we have differing views on
several points here, but do we at least agree that ... ?" or "We agree
with each other on most of this, but I think we have different views in
the area of ...."
By actively voicing the points of convergence and divergence, the
listener can create a more accurate mental model of the speaker's mind.
That reduces the conversational noise that can arise when speaker and
listener fail to realize how their minds are aligned or unaligned.
Quadrant of cognitive/explanatory styles
More than one barrier may often be present at once. For example, a
speaker might be an over-splitter who has trouble seeing the forest,
while the listener is an over-lumper who can see only the forest and
never the trees. They will have even more difficulty communicating if
one or both also has the habit of "knowing the answer" or "treating
discussion as competition".
. . .
Good listening is arguably one of
the most important skills to have in today's complex world. Families
need good listening to face complicated stresses together. Corporate
employees need it to solve complex problems quickly and stay
competitive. Students need it to understand complex issues in their
fields. Much can be gained by improving listening skills.
When the question of how to improve communication comes up, most
attention is paid to making people better speakers or writers (the
"supply side" of the communication chain) rather than on making them
better listeners or readers (the "demand side").
More depends on listening than on speaking. An especially skillful
listener will know how to overcome many of the deficiencies of a vague
or disorganized speaker. On the other hand, it won't matter how eloquent
or cogent a speaker is if the listener isn't paying attention.
The listener arguably bears more responsibility than the speaker for the quality of communication.
